Germ Warfare...

So, it's February. There's a good chance no matter where you are, that someone around you has sneezed or breathed on you or touched something you've touched, and so there may come that awful moment where, suddenly, you know that your immune system has been compromised and some stranger has given you the gift of the flu. Perhaps it's the tickle in the back of your throat, maybe your muscles ache, maybe you get the chills, maybe your hair hurts when you get out of bed. Before you even consider going to the doctor, or engaging in revenge fantasies, you should drop everything and immediately buy yourself one of the homeopathic remedies that are readily available at Whole Foods, Rite Aids and other such places.

I fully understand that everyone has their own system of dealing with the onset of a cold. I offer mine here along with my track record for '05/'06: 0 colds 0 flus (the wood is being knocked as I type). As a connoisseur of herbal remedies and preventative medicine, I can tell you that, by far, the best of the lot is Wellness Formula. Sure you can dabble in the playful fizz of Airborne, or you can be seduced by the brilliant packaging and sweet sub-labial pellets of Boiron's Oscillococcinum, but I'm telling you nothing out there is going to get in there and fight for you like the Wellness Formula. Don't mind the vaguely Kubrickian package design, just tear open the bottle and down three tablets as fast as you can. Supplement with lots of citrus juice and echinacea & goldenseal drops.

People get all cute about how the way you sneeze defines your character, but I'm not amused. Would you go digging around the insides of someone else's nose, mouth and windpipe? Of course not, but this is basically what you are allowing to happen when someone sneezes in the same room as you. Worse, that mess is being flung at you at speeds of one hundred miles per hour. I'm not trying to make you ill, I'm trying to make you healthy! If you absolutely must... here is the proper way to deal with a sneeze. Above all do not sneeze into your hands. And don't even think of offering that tainted hand for a handshake you evil person...

Yes, Gazpachot is a germophobe. I hate getting sick with a ferocity usually reserved for far more passionate causes. Sarah will tell you all about the very bad way I deal with public sneezing, sniffly waiters, coughing Fed Ex guys, children with wet noses, etc. In fact, I've been dying to do a really good PSA for TV and Radio on the subject of sneeze etiquette. This could be my great offering to the world. I could assemble pop stars and world leaders in a germ-free recording studio in Antarctica to sing about the horrors of sneezing.

By the way: When one sneezes in a Muslim country, one should say ALHAMDULILLAH. In reply to this, one who witnesses the sneeze should say YARHAMU KALLAH. The person who has sneezed must reply by saying: YAHDEE KUMULLAHU WAYUSLIHU BAALAKUM.

Also, there is no verbal reply to a sneeze in Japan. It is more of a Western superstition that sneezing "blows out your soul" and requires a blessing from God. However, the Japanese do believe that when you sneeze it means that someone is talking about you.

Check this out too, filthy hands.