Sober advices...

Unless you're a teetotaler, you're probably going to be imbibing some booze over the next few days. You might be tempted to tipple a little more than usual because, well, it's the holidays. Go ahead. Enjoy yourself. But know that a headsplitting hangover is not going to make this season any jollier.
Trust me on that one.

The following holiday drinking tips are offered in the spirit of fun evenings and functional mornings. If you think you are Serge Gainsbourg, or if the word "dude" makes up a large portion of your vocabulary, then you're not going to like this.

Tip 1: Stay Clear. Alcohol is a toxin and the hangover is your body's way of saying, you put poison in me you jerk. Tests have shown that pure alcohol causes hangovers, so don't believe the hype about "hangover free" booze. But, it is also true that the darker alcohols (rums, cognacs, whiskeys, red wines) and sweet alcohols (champagnes, white wines) are chock full of tanins and other uniquely toxic impurities called congeners. These will add to your next day woes significantly. Vodka, sake, and a top shelf silver or blanco Tequila are your best bets. Anything aged in wood barrels is going to make your head throb.

Tip 2: Don't Mix. Everyone knows this one. If you're jumping from beer to gin to wine to ouzo to rum to malt liquor, not only are you going to suffer, but you were probably insufferable to begin with. Also, it probably goes without saying that a Long Island Iced Tea is not a thirst quenching beverage. Something called an Adios Motherfucker is probably best poured into a plastic plant. But not everyone thinks about mixing when they swig back a cup of eggnog (cognac and rum) or even a margarita (tequila and triple sec). Straight drinks are the way to go. Add juice if you want, but know that the sugar can speed up alcohol absorbtion, as well as encourage guzzling instead of sipping.

Tip 3: Don't buy the cheap stuff. You will always regret it. You're having a group of people over... who's going to complain about free booze? Right? Wrong! Don't let the politeness of others make you the object of their hangover scorn. Skyy vodka is not too expensive and is extremely pure. I also highly recommend a tequila called Partida Blanco. It's 100% blue agave, absolutely delicious, and clean as a whistle. Or, if purse strings are tight, you can always turn the cheap stuff into the good stuff.

Tip 4: Hydrate. Before you go out drink a quart of H20. Then for each alcoholic drink, have two glasses of water. Yes, you're going to spend a lot of time in the head, but that's a good opportunity to get the parsley out of your teeth and the lipstick off of your collar.

Tip 5: Vitamins. Before you go out load up on the B-complexes, the sublingual ones work best. Also take another daily multi. There's also a British tablet loaded with all sorts of anti-hangover vitamins called Berocca. Most of the world swears by it as a preventative and a cure. Not available in the US yet. Stock up on your travels.

Tip 6: Ignore all of this precious yuppie crap and be human. Indulge. Explore. Enjoy. Blow off steam. Laugh. Get Jiggy. Put your foot in your mouth. Start a fight. Hide under the covers. It's all part of the cycle. One day, you might catch yourself in time for a different outcome. Or not. We're all worm food.
Happy Holidays!

(SG, waiting for the next available Stairmaster at the gym)