What's behind springing ahead?

As you've heard, our president ordered daylight savings time early this year. Tonight in fact, all the way through the first Sunday in November. Why is that?

The reason you're likely to hear on the news and in passing conversation: it's an attempt to save energy. More daylight means less lights going on, and therefore less strain on the energy grid, right? Well my dears, if you hang out in the dark, secret, underground meetings, at warehouses by the docks, like I do, you know the REAL reasons...

OIL OIL OIL: More sunlight means more driving time. More trips to the beach, the mall, the gas station. More gas guzzling.

SHOPPING! People shop more when there's more light after work. Do your duty nation: CONSUME!

GOLF INDUSTRY: Republicans, I mean, people get to golf more when there's more daylight. RU Fore that!?

CANDY LOBBYISTS! It's true. The candy lobbyists have been screaming for more daylight on Halloween so that juniors can collect more sugar for his and her growing little teeth and bodies. W is happy to oblige.

Don't get me wrong, I like the sun. I moved to California to worship it. But please, let's not be hanging any "green" accolades where they don't belong. Oh, and keep an eye on your electronics for the next 24 hours. They might get a little wonky as they do or don't adapt to the change.