Clean Air is your birthright...

Clean air. That's my thing. That's the area of the environmental bandwagon I will turn into a ripe trendy cause with lapel ribbons, splashy benefits, and toothsome child celebrities on green bicycles! Because you know what? We deserve clean air! Clean air... Mmm. Delicious. How can I get some?

You may ask: Why do I, a fresh air loving Aquarian, live in the most polluted city in America? Well, why did Mother Teresa live in Calcutta? If she lived in Bar Harbor there wouldn't have been much for her to do now would there?

Now listen you goddamned blind greedy corporate industrial air spoilers: Just cut it the fuck out! You're ruining the AIR you stupid assholes! And for what? We want you to stop. Now! I can taste your chemicals in my mouth when I wake up in the morning. I can feel your cancer growing in my people. I can see your evil in the sky. Stop polluting the air. Figure it out.

And you, you jack-ass president. What are you thinking? Wipe that stupid smirk off your face and start cleaning up your act by cleaning up the air. We're not talking about saving an owl in Alaska you cold-blooded asphyxiator. We're talking about the most critical natural resource we've got. You're probably working on a plan to charge us for it. Jerk.

I make fun of Prius drivers only because they're such a visible new segment of the population. But really, I love them and thank them for their non-contribution to a deadly serious problem. What can you do to make clean air? Here are 50 ideas.

(Illustration by Ashoka)