Wednesday, December 06, 2006


When pressed for an answer, a minor US writer once stated that his sexual fantasy involved having an enormous crate of pomegranates crushed over his copulating body by a large pneumatic machine. Thousands of exploding seeds plishing and plashing gush rivulets of deep staining tart crimson juice everywhich where as the wood crate snaps under mechanical submission.

I am happy to report that a smaller scale version of this experience is available to all. First, get a pomegranate. The skin is key. Is it soft and smooth? Put it back. You want one that feels as dry and leathery as a dead lizard or Clint Eastwood's cheek. The fruit should feel hard to the touch - no give. All of this is to spare you a permanent random pattern of blood red dots etched onto anything within a ten food radius of your consumption. OK ready? You might want to take of your clothes for this.

Take your pomegranate in your hands so that the top and bottom are facing towards the ceiling and floor respectively. Clasping your fingers, push your palms together with a good amount of force. You will feel the seeds begin to crush inside. Take care to monitor the pressure build up on the skin - if it starts bulging wildly, back off. Now, rotate the pomegranate 90 degrees and crush again. Rotate 45 degrees, crush, rotate 45 degrees, crush, and so on. If you're not covered in juice by this point, all systems are go - you chose your fruit well.

Now grab your pocketknife. Holding the fruit sideways, so the top and bottom are parallel to the floor, make a small incision, less than a centimeter, right in the center of the fruit, the part that is now facing the ceiling. Immediately lift the incision to your mouth. Squeeeeze long and hard like you were trying to suffocate a baseball. The juice will shoot down your throat like warm sweet wine. (Actually, I'm surprised they don't make wine from pomegranates.) Keep going. That shit is good for you so keep squeezing until your anti-oxidants can't take anymore.

(get all of Dali's "Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee around a Pomegranate One Second Before Waking Up - Gala and the Tigers" right here)


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